Divorce and Self-Evaluation: Its Time to Look in the Mirror

11 March 2014

Regardless of circumstances, divorce and self-evaluation help us valuate who we are and what we want out of life. It can be a little bit like looking in the mirror. Unfortunately, sometimes when we wake up and look in the mirror we discover our hair is messy and we don't like what we see. When we look in the mirror and don't like what we see, we have three options:

Women Looking Into MirrorDivorce and Self-Evaluation - Option #1

I don't like what I see and I can't handle it right now and so I take the mirror off the wall and put it in the closet. My issue seems overwhelming and for whatever reason, I can't deal with it right now. Perhaps it's too painful and I can't face it and it is easier to avoid my problem. Whatever the reason, I put the mirror in the closet and go through the day hoping that my hair will simply fix itself.

I, myself, often have divorcing couples come into my office and tell me they are on the same page. However, when I meet with them and ask questions I learn that they agree on very little.


Rather than dealing with an issue and resolving our differences we may hear what we want to hear. I may go through the day avoiding the mirror and when I come home my hair is still a mess — why? I never dealt with the problem.

Option #2

I look in the mirror and can't believe that I would look disheveled in the morning The mirror must be wrong and so I break the mirror.

For whatever reason, I can't accept that in some way I might be partially responsible for the mess I find myself in and so I blame someone else. Perhaps, "my mediator should have pushed for this" or, "my ex-spouse shouldn't have said that."

When I am hurt, there is a natural tendency to want justice to want someone to pay for my pain. I am acutely aware of the pain that I feel but am numb to the fact that I may have played a role in creating the conflict in the first place. As a conflict escalates I will naturally surround myself with people who are empathetic to my position. Our friends hear one side of the story and they become focused on "righting a wrong" that was committed against us.

Rather than accepting responsibility for my role in the conflict and learning through the experience I blame someone else.

Option #3

By failing to appropriately address what I see in the mirror our pain will, whether I acknowledge it or not, eventually become all-consuming. I spend a lot of energy either trying to deny my feelings or trying to find justice. As such, I get out my hairbrush and brush my hair. I believe that disappointment, heartache, betrayal and pain can be a gift. You can dig out your hidden insecurities and deal with them.

When you acknowledge a hidden insecurity, you can deal with and resolve it. Divorce and self-evaluation go hand in hand and help us grow as individuals.

Ultimately, the goal of divorce should be growth. Arriving at divorce is about failed lessons, missed opportunities and so much more. Divorce is about a fresh start and learning from those failed lessons, missed opportunities, and all the things that led the marriage astray.

Take advantage of the lessons your life gives you. It is not often that we are given opportunities to grow and become better than we were. Marriage is often seen as a failure but it can be one of the most teachable moments we are given in life.

Look in the mirror and let those lessons form your future into something better.