Fairway Divorce Solutions

Leading the pack with new post divorce squeezes are Jesse James and Kelsey Grammer!  Why would their new squeezes think that it is going to be any different for them!!! Hello!  Wake up and smell the coffee girls! If they cheated on their last wife/partner they are going to cheat on you. Why is it that women think, " Oh it is going to be different with me", or " He has learned - he is different - I am different".  Wrong!!! This line of thinking is delusional. The proper line of thinking is:

"He is exactly the same, I am no better or worst then his last squeeze, he will treat me exactly the same and so if he cheated on her I need to assume he will cheat on me".  

So the question is " Am I OK with knowing that and assuming this is my fate too?”  I know you might be saying, “No Karen is wrong.  She does not understand our situation and he/we are different ".  OK then, if you do not believe me ask your grandmother and if she is not alive then ask your mom.  

Recently a couple decided to start blogging about their co-parenting challenges. On the surface this seems fun and perhaps informative but reader beware.  While we can certainly be entertained, we need to remember that every person/family is different and applying what works for one family may not work for another.   It is great for society as a whole, that we are discussing these issues and sharing insights and thoughts but we need to remember that there are multiple solutions for the same problem and we need to learn and ascertain ourselves what works. If we simply apply another families solution to our problem without considering the personalities and consequences, we could cause more stress then we have with status quo.

Take for example the reality TV show Jon & Kate Plus 8.  If we bought into their lives we know the outcome!!  So consider all this entertainment - apply their ideas cautiously and always read, listen and learn from those with both personal and professional experience. Most important - trust your intuition always!!  

Eat pray love - is that the natural progression after divorce?  In actual fact it is pretty close. Losing ourselves and drowning our sorrows in the ice cream bowl is cliché but true.  After that, praying to God to rid us of the pounds of fat and pain is also accurate.  That leaves love and I am not sure that comes quite so easily.  First there is learning to love yourself again or maybe for the first time.  Divorce leaves scars - simple as that. No plastic surgery is going to totally remove the scars but introspection, therapy and time will certainly fade them . Do not rush into finding new love and when and if you do - know that those scars may be faded but they are there.  Take the time to trust and love but also be true to yourself and to your lover about the scars as they are a part of you to love as well.

So the title might better put  - eat , pray ....................love .  

How do you take control of your finances moving forward after a divorce?

• Become Knowledgeable and empowered.  If you have not done the finances before then this might be a great time to start learning and take control.  Do not turn your money blindly over to a broker.  ‘Blind Faith’ is not a good strategy.
• Set a budget
• Pay yourself first
• Set money aside for kids schooling
• Use some common sense financial planning tips like having at least 3 months of income in a ‘rainy day’ account
• Do not invest in things you do not understand
• Do not give up control of your money
• Do pay off your credit card bills monthly and on time
• Do work at something you are passionate about as you will tend to make more money over time at something you love
• Do take time to enjoy your hard work
• Spend within your means but also enjoy your money

How do parents make sure their kids will still be taken care of after the divorce?

Set up a separate bank account, continue with RESP’s, set up a trust, set money aside for school.  Have a plan and stick to it.  

How do you ensure you get your fair share in a divorce?

Fair and justice are not the same thing.  You get to a fair outcome by understanding what the assets are and what their value is (which is not as easy as it sounds)
Once you understand the numbers and know what they are, then and only then, do you start “dividing the pie”.   Clearly you split assets based on the law, which is 50/50, however you also consider the assets and what is the best way to preserve those assets.  Ensure that they are best allocated as per the situation and the future for each person.

How do you minimize costs associated with transferring assets in a divorce?

If forced to sell, which can happen in the courts, you are really looking at a liquidation value.  You must consider what is best for the assets – the adjusted cost base, the return etc.  Will you take a loss?  You want to look objectively at the assets and make decisions based on that.  Of course, you must consider what is feasible.  Sometimes you must sell to cover costs and if that is the case then consider the market etc.  

Is there ever a good reason?

When it comes to these questions, it is sometimes very easy to judge and take a black and white position.  Most would respond with “it is never OK” but what in the case where the system has failed to protect the child and the parent flees to protect the child from their worst fear – murder or murder suicide. We know that this happens and we know that in most of these cases there were signs and further that these signs were ignored by the court system.  What would you do if you really felt in your heart of hearts that your ex was capable of killing your child.?  Would you run?  Would you risk going to jail for kidnapping and perhaps then leaving them with the person you are so afraid of.  Are you projecting your own fears or is the fear truly warranted. 

Our system has not done a good job of protecting many innocent children and there is not likely a short-term solution that will really make a huge difference.  We need to start pressing hard with the questions so that in time we can formulate the answers.  Brilliance is in knowing the questions to ask and then trusting that in time the solutions will reveal themselves. We need to be ruthless about figuring out the questions to ask so we can formulate the answers and change our system.  Of course some will fall through the cracks.  That is life, but we have too many that have fallen hard.    

Sorry to offend anyone but lets call a spade a spade!!

Elin “Woods” just made the best business deal of her life.  Comparing it to a business deal might seem cold and aloof but really, when do you recall someone entering a business relationship that totally crashed after a few short years and one of the partners walks away with 750 million dollars.   Seems that Harvard should have a new business specialty within their MBA program.  Lets face it, Elin went through hell as there is nothing like having young children and finding out that your husband has been leading two lives or in Tigers case --- many lives.  It is pain that we would not wish on our worst enemy but PLEASE! Elin does not deserve that kind of settlement and the fact that she got it should send every man or woman out there pleading for a quiet life of celibacy.   

Tiger Woods settles with Elin and Sandra and Jessie finalize their divorce.It seems that the big “D” is in Vogue these days.  

It was not that long ago that celebrity divorces were kept quiet and pushed under the carpet.  So what happened that all of a sudden we have such an insatiable appetite for knowing the details of celebrity divorce?  Perhaps Donald Trumps divorce from Ivana was the tipping point but where does it end – or does it?  It would seem that we have come to a place whereby relationships coming to an end is commonplace and the pay off can be substantial.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing but do we need to make such a spectacle out of the terms of the ending?  

Perhaps we need to look within and find out why we are so obsessed with celebrities and their lives.  What is missing in our lives? Perhaps misery likes company and we just need to know that our divorce is not that bad in comparison.  Either way, reader and buyer beware.  If you fill your head with junk and focus on the negative, you will attract junk and chaos in your own life.   We need to be careful to not live vicariously.  

If you wondering. Should I stay? Or should I go? Should I ----- should I?   The best way to make a sound and grounded decision about your relationship is to use the LWD Approach.  

Listen  and Watch – this means really HEAR and SEE what the other person is doing or saying. If you happen to be in a verbally abusive relationship or just one where communication is not healthy then stop doing what you have always done in the past .  Do whatever that may be and start listening. If your natural reaction is to jump in at your defense, then try saying nothing or asking a very non threatening question such  as “Can you please explain what your mean or I think I understand what you are saying, is it that…………..”  Go against your natural reaction. Listen and then depersonalize what you heard. By doing that you start to take yourself out of the equation and really determine what the issue is.  Pretend that you are the audience and your spouse is the stage. Is this a good play? Is it one you want to see again? Is this the way someone with self-esteem and respect behaves? Or is it that the audience is too judgmental, controlling or demanding? Of is it that you have outgrown the purple Barney puppet show and it is just simply time to move on to another play?  If you are caught up in the play yourself you cannot be objective so you have to depersonalize it. 

Try and see you and the other person from a third person’s perspective. What would they say? Would they see things differently? What would they advise? What if that third person was you – then what your advice be? Sometimes the answer is very clear but we are just not ready to SEE or HEAR it. So get real and take a leap of faith either way. Any action is better then no action at all.

By doing nothing you are saying that status quo is OK or at least less painful then you perceive the other options to be.  

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In North America (at least almost all of North America) there is “no fault divorce”, which in laymen’s terms means that it does not matter what the reason is for the divorce and therefore the reason will not impact how assets are divided.  So most lawyers would likely say that whether you had a great sex life or a non-existent one is irrelevant.

The other question however, is more emotional and speaks to whether having sexually intimacy in marriage is necessary for a marriage to survive. Some would argue that sex is not necessary for a marriage to survive but certainly necessary for it to thrive.   Sexually intimacy is a must for a healthy marriage.  The fact is, whether you like it or not, those couples who share sexual intimacy approximately 3 times per week are much less likely to divorce.  Have you ever heard a couple that say that their sex life is great and are yet still getting a divorce?   Most divorcing couples will say that they lack intimacy, communication and sex. The fact is that all 3 go together. So wake up wives – if you want intimacy and communication you need sex and wake up men – if you want sex then communicate and be intimate verbally.

It is really that simple and if we lived by this formula the divorce rate would decrease.